On Monday, September 16th 2019, at 4:05pm our baby girl made her way into our arms! I don’t think I could accurately put into words the experience of her birth, but this is an attempted summary…. and her name and meaning at the end!
I thought Max would always take the cake of difficult births for me, but this one stole the crown. Despite the difficulty, it was still one the most powerful experiences of my life. I think many moments made way for this one, and I have come to realize….I would have never been able to receive it as the gift that it was without the storms I walked through first.
Preparing for the birth
After going through the loss of our last baby, this pregnancy was already different for me. I had a different perspective, and greater level of gratitude. Even though I had two very good epidural experiences with Rocco and Azelie, I knew in my gut this birth was going to be different. I had prepared more than the 9 months for this day. I sought emotional healing from our loss, spiritual and physical renewal, and mental strength and care. I fought hard for them, and as a result I felt really ready for this baby. I ached to hold her, and was willing to go through the ends of the earth and back to have her in my arms.
Since I had some lingering fears about loss, I wanted to fully know what was going on with my body and my baby during this birth. I had a greater fear of the unknown that the numbness of medication brings than the actual pain of an unmedicated birth. My sister Angela, a doula, had given me so much courage and confidence that this experience could be different than the somewhat blindsiding previous experiences. I knew her calm encouragement and knowledge would help me every step of the way. So I dove into birth stories, hypno-birthing practice, and gathering all of the helpful tools to bring into the delivery room. I was expecting it to be a fast labor since that was my experience with my other unmedicated births. However things never quite go according to the way you expect, and she decided to come in her own unique way….
The labor
The doctor had told me last Friday that I was 3cm dilated, and the baby had dropped (most likely from the false labor a few days before followed by the baby mama dance;)). I was showing pre-labor signs and she said to expect a baby by the end of the weekend. Sure enough, my water started leaking Sunday evening and throughout the night so I asked my mom to stay over. However, no contractions?! I was hoping and praying they would start on their own so that there wasn’t increased risk for infection. Thankfully, at 4am the first contraction hit. I was told that since my water had already broke to hurry to the hospital when contractions started. So I woke up Gabe right away, called my sister, and we headed over. Contractions were intense but sporadic, and there was back pain….something I hadn’t had in my past labors.
Had I known she was posterior I probably would have waved the white flag from the start. Perhaps the hours of prodromal false labor the week before should have been a big enough clue. Nevertheless we got a sense pretty soon that the back pain that started during labor meant she was sunny side up. I had to decide all over again if this was a marathon I was willing to run. I had my sister reminding me with each contraction that I was capable, all while relieving the back pressure with her own two hands. I had Gabe by my side holding my hand, and cheering me on with every step…. even when it felt like I was running in place with no progress. Without them it wouldn’t have been possible. My mental strength would have given way with my physical strength. I have never felt such deeper gratitude for my husband than in these moments. He never took a break or left my side…all 12 hours.
I spent the first portion in the tub which helped immensely with the pain. We dimmed all the lights, created a very calm atmosphere which helped me get my mind in a focused place. With every contraction I knew I was one step closer to holding our baby. We had the most incredible nurse who also had experience with posterior births and gave us so much support throughout the labor. When I hit 7 cm, and the back pain was starting to be excruciatingly painful, contractions started to become less frequent. I felt close to giving up. I seemed to be going nowhere. We switched to the labor ball and peanut ball (both help with stalled labor), and sure enough I felt something shift. The transition period was by far the most difficult test of endurance I’ve ever been through, but Angela knew how to diffuse my doubts. The bond of sisters, right?! I put into to practice the acceptance of pain versus fighting it in order to allow my body to stay relaxed and open. I will spare you the details, but something important to note is that when you go through an unmedicated birth you know exactly when it is time to push that baby out. I knew this baby was about to fly out and there were no nurses or midwife in sight. They had stepped out of the room thinking I was going to be a bit longer.
The delivery and catch
I managed to yell out “she’s coming!” which sent Gabe running through the hallways to find someone to help, and Angela pretty much had to get in catch and receive mode. (You should here her tell the story – ha!) Thankfully, our hero of a nurse ran in just in time, as our baby was born three pushes later. She was immediately placed on my chest, and Gabe and I both couldn’t stop the tears of joy. The peace and powerful awareness that overtook me in that moment was all I needed to know that this birth was just as it should have been! This baby felt like a kiss from our creator straight into our undeserving hands.
Gabe and I decided to name her Chiara Maris (Key – are – uh). Chiara meaning “light” burst open my heart all over again, and renewed so much of my soul in that moment. It feels surreal to hold her tiny body in my arms at last. Chiara is also after this soon to be saint, and ‘Maris’ after the mother of God.
Many of you have walked with us through so many ups and downs over the years, and we wanted to share this joy with you. Thank you for being here!
