It’s almost impossible to fully understand when you are standing on the altar on your wedding day what the future will throw your way. You willingly promise to have and to hold from this day forth, till death do us part, without knowing what set of circumstances will unfold in the years to come. I have realized that when the hard parts of life come knocking at your door, the real opportunities arise to live your vows. When life is painful, stressful, or even grueling, a more selfless love has the chance to be exercised. When the rubber meets the road, are our convictions about love and marriage demonstrated? I wanted to write about this because I think it is something that all couples face at some point, and having some concrete steps to practice in those moments have helped me tremendously.
Marriage is really good at delivering you a nice large self portrait. Suddenly you are very aware of how your choices and actions can affect your partner. When the really rough moments arrive, who shows up? I can speak of loving him with my whole heart until there is a condition that rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes the issues may be significant, and other times they may be a build up of smaller things. But when the going gets tough, do we really show up like we promised in our vows? When we say we love someone with our whole heart, how is it so easy to put up conditions when human weakness gets in the way?
Here are a few things Gabe and I wanted to share that have helped combat negativity in our marriage:
Anna:
1. If Gabe disappoints me for some reason or other, I can choose to give him the cold shoulder or make him feel guilty for not being what I needed him to be. (I have done both of these darn it!) The other choice is to turn the mirror onto my own actions first. Am I demonstrating the kind of love to him that I am expecting for him to show me? Am I being critical in my thoughts before seeking to understand his perspective? Most of the time, it’s a wake up call to see that often times what we expect in the other is not being demonstrated in ourselves.
2. Love ignites more love in a relationship, while negativity can only break down and tear it apart. Our words can never be taken back once spoken, so before heading into an argument wait to cool down. It helps to give your thoughts a chance to sort out. I have learned that after nine years of practice, I still need at least 19 more! Instead of brewing over something small for a week, calmly discuss it when emotions can be under control. If it something big and anger is justified, trying to discuss it when you have thought out how to communicate your anger has always brought about better resolve than when words are spewing out without much thought behind them. These simple but difficult actions to put in practice always work to build a stronger more unified love.
Gabe:
3. When Anna and I do not see eye to eye, or when expectations are not met, it can be easier to play the waiting game in an effort to make the other person take the first step to reconciliation. Most of the time this is a result of pride in some form. If I feel like she is in the wrong, waiting for her to make the first move gives me a sense of vindication for how I am feeling, even if waiting is putting me into a darker place. If I am in the wrong, taking that first step feels like an admission of guilt, so I naturally want to avoid facing the reality of my shortcoming. The issue in both cases is that neither is an act of love, but rather, both are an act of pride that can make moving on more difficult. It takes more love and strength to lay down my pride than it does to selfishly hold onto it. Despite knowing this, it is always harder to make that first step to move forward. Imagine how amazing it would be, how much negativity could be avoided, and how much love would grow, if we could race to be the first to make amends in the situation rather than be the last.
Gabe has taught me through the above point, that when we choose a love beyond ourselves, a greater unity steps in to take the place of pride. It’s impossible to talk about marriage for me without mentioning our faith. We have always held our faith at the center of our marriage, which continues to be the main source of strength for us. I wear a cross ring above my wedding ring to remind me that someone else loves us unconditionally, and is always rooting for our family as well. It is a visual reminder that marriage is designed to be that outpouring of God’s love to each other.
What are some things that have helped you in your relationship to work towards a more unified love? We like to say when all else fails, give each other a chance to say curse words at the top of your lungs……;) Kidding of course. Maybe…
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” – Victor Hugo
P.S. On the road….one of the places that always tends to be a great place to practice all of the above, yes? 😉
