I have not had much motivation to blog at all these past few months, but because I felt so blindsided by what I went through I wanted to share about what has helped in miscarriage recovery. So many of you shared your own stories with me. It helped me tremendously, and I will never be able to thank each of you personally the way I wish I could! A few very important people in my life also told me it was okay to take my time to grieve. If you know someone close to you who is going through this, I hope this post can help you understand the best ways to reach out to them as well.
I have 5 healthy children I am so grateful for. Even though these are truths I hold close, as a human being, I have grieved the loss of our little one and will always think of who she would have been. It is so important to acknowledge that no matter how many children you have, you can and should grieve the unique life you lost. The daily sorrow was strong in the beginning, and it was very hard to keep going forward.
I hesitate to share about what physically happened, but I hope this can be a way to bring more awareness to what women experience in a miscarriage. You have the option of a dnc surgery, but I chose to let it happen naturally. It takes the body a few weeks to detect the loss of the baby, so even though we knew we had lost ours at 10 weeks, we had to wait almost three weeks for the contractions to start. Had it not been for a dear friend of mine, a trusted family friend in the medical field, and Gabe’s research, we would have been in a really unprepared situation. I wish doctors would be more clear about the options you are given, and I really wish they wouldn’t tell you the loss of your “tissue” would be mild cramping. It couldn’t be further from the reality of what I experienced. I actually labored with contractions comparable to my natural childbirths at home with Gabe by my side while my mom took our kids to stay with her. It was on and off for two days. At one point, I passed out from the pain and intensity, and Gabe called the doctor to make sure we didn’t need to go to the ER from blood loss. Thankfully I was able to get through the worst of it, and I delivered the full sac in tact. It took everything out of me physically and emotionally, but I think it allowed me to fully grieve and process what was happening. We created a memorial for our baby with a blooming magnolia tree, and it gave us so much peace to be able to do so.
As my body healed, the grief has slowly lifted as well. It still hits me every so often in unexpected ways. Something will trigger the deep emotion of feeling like someone is missing. Driving by a hospital, seeing a dad holding a baby, hearing a certain song, or even seeing someone expecting who is as far along as I am supposed to be. It often catches me of guard, and I am tempted to bury the pain, but as my mother so wisely advised…I let it come. I let myself cry. I allow myself to feel the pain of the loss.
Everyone has different experiences because loss can occur early to full term, and everyone processes loss differently, but I did want to share some things I wanted to share that have really helped me personally.
Acknowledge the loss – I have talked to a few women who felt unsure why they felt so broken even though the baby was only so many weeks old. I know for certain when we hold onto pain and don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge a loss for what it is, that pain will resurface in some other place and time. The reason we named our baby was to acknowledge that I indeed grew a life inside of me for months (and felt every side effect of it), and very much indeed lost that life. Naming her helped me find acceptance and peace knowing that her existence was real and her loss was real. It’s okay if you are the only one who feels the loss as deeply as you do.
Ask for help – After we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and was told there was no heartbeat, Gabe and I both were somewhat in shock. As we were both trying to process the news the medical tech had just revealed, our doctor came in to share the options we had for the weeks ahead. I felt like I couldn’t make any decisions, and I just wanted someone to tell me what the best option was going to be. Gabe was also having a hard time with the news, and just wanted to support whatever I chose. I started to try to think of someone who had been through this recently that I could ask advice from. I messaged a close friend who had just been through it a few months before. She walked me through what to expect if I were to have a natural miscarriage, and what I would need to prepare. Not only would that advice save me from hours on scary google forums, but her understanding of the situation gave me so much reassurance that this is something many women before me had been through, and I didn’t need to walk this alone. She also helped me understand what was normal to feel emotionally and physically. My sisters and my mother both stepped in when they heard the news as well. The day I found out we lost the baby, my sister offered to be with our kids, and she continued to check in on me almost daily. My mom and dad were always checking in on me. I get emotional when I think about my family, and the strength they were for me during the hardest days of my life. If you do not have family near by, don’t be afraid to ask a friend for help during the weeks of your loss. It is okay to need a shoulder to lean on, and chances are, the people you reach out to will be grateful you asked them. (If you do not have anyone to talk to, please know you can reach out to me!)
There is no timeline – We all feel things differently, process pain differently, and recover in different ways. If it is taking you longer to recover than maybe a friend seemed to, that is OKAY. There is no timeline or handbook for grief. There is no need to rush healing. Allow yourself the grace to feel, process, and ache. I am currently in the middle of it where I know my heart is healing, but I still have time to go.
Communicate with your spouse – There is no possible way for your husband to understand fully what you are experiencing inside of your heart and mind, so communicating what you need will help both of you! I tried my best to explain the emotions I was feeling and he understood the importance of being present to me during this time. Gabe saw first hand what I went through physically, and he was an incredible strength for me during that time. Even though men may not experience the loss of a child the same way, they do feel it. Gabe was hurting in his own way, and we both made efforts to be a landing place for each other when we needed it. Sometimes Gabe could often tell when I needed to get out some of the emotion I was bottling up. He would sit next to me, ask me if it was okay to hold me, and let me just cry it out. A friend of mine told me she made a list for her husband to help him understand what she needed, because he was trying, but would often go into fix it mode or find something positive mode. This allowed him to understand ways to help even if that meant just giving space at times.
Counseling – If you do not have someone to talk to about your experience (especially if it was a traumatic one), consider reaching out to a counselor trained to help with child and infant loss and miscarriage. Two Hearts Counseling is an example. Karen can counsel even through skype. It doesn’t matter what faith or circumstance you come from.
Resources for pregnancy loss:
Books – My dear friend from college who has been through two pregnancy losses, immediately sent me a care package in the mail when she saw the news, including a devotional called Loved Baby. It has been so good to go through when I don’t have emotional bandwidth to process emotions. I also really loved “Grieving the Child I Never Knew.” These are spiritually based books that were such helpful aids for me. If you have children that are grieving the loss of a baby sibling, I have heard so many good things about this book. If you know of any additional books, please leave them in the comments.
Writing – My sisters who live far away right now all sent me care packages soon after the loss, and inside of those packages were hand written notes, quotes, and prayers that completely lifted my weariness. My sister hand lettered a quote by St. Marie Azelie “We will find our children again up above.”
I wish I knew who sent me a print with the name Cecilia Rose Liesemeyer at the bottom, and a quote that to this moment draws tears in streams from my eyes…. “You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before my throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees the everlasting beauty – he sees my face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for my kingdom and each creature fills a place in that kingdom that could not be filled by another. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow, and called it forth.”
Communities – I know there are several communities for miscarriage, and even if you need that support for a short amount of time, it is worth looking in to. Women have the incredible ability to band together and lift each other up, and in this case, other women who have walked a similar road.
Physical and mental health aids:
Exercise – The science behind what our brain releases during physical exercise explains why it helped me so significantly to break a sweat and release some of the depression and sadness from deep within me. I joined a gym, and have been going a few times a week since the spring. It has helped with my physical post partum recovery as well as given me mental strength.
Vitamins and supplements – Thanks to the advice of my doctor and friends, I continued to take prenatal vitamins following the birth as well as liquid iron. Going through a natural miscarriage left me physically weak and dizzy for a few weeks after, and I felt completely depleted. These sources of vitamins and oils really helped to get me back on my feet, and feeling energy again.
Prayer – Over and over again. In good days and bad. Both when I have the words, and when I am numb. God has been so faithfully near through the people who have reached out during this time. The messages, the meals, the notes, and even on days of silence. A relationship with God takes effort on our part, just like any other relationship, except with God He gives endlessly even when we have nothing to give back. He carries us when we are weak. He holds our burdens, and kisses our wounds. His love is relentless and pure, and it has sustained me during my darkest moments.
These have all been instrumental to recovery.
If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, don’t be afraid to reach out. Some may grieve privately, but if they have shared about their loss it WILL mean so much to know you are thinking of them. It is easy to think you won’t have the right words to say, but even acknowledging the loss is so comforting to someone who is aching. Whenever a friend would send me a text, bring a meal, or mail a note, I felt so grateful that they would take the time to reach out to us. It didn’t matter what they did or didn’t say. It was ALWAYS needed and ALWAYS deeply appreciated.
Our due date would have been November 8th. Despite all of this, I am thankful she came into our lives. I am immensely grateful for the 5 beautiful children that are with me here on earth. I hesitated to share this post as I am acutely aware of the gift of my children here with me. I think it is important to acknowledge that you can grieve the loss of a baby you will never know no matter how many children you have. I know that this baby left me with a greater empathy for women around me going through this.
Thank you for reading, and for your support, love, and kindness!
