I’ve tried to write this post for weeks. It is never easy to write about the hardest parts of your life. I have not had much motivation to blog at all these past few months, but it is so important to me all the same to speak out about miscarriage recovery. After I wrote about the loss of our baby, it felt like so many of you reached through your screens and came through with so much compassion, love, empathy, and understanding. I heard many of your stories. It helped me tremendously, and I will never be able to thank each of you personally the way I wish I could! A few very important people in my life also told me it was okay to take my time to grieve. If writing about what has helped me in miscarriage recovery can also help someone else walking this difficult road, it is 100 percent worth it to me. If you know someone who is going through this, I hope this post can help you understand the best ways to reach out to them as well.
I accept with peace that I was meant to have that little life inside of me, even though it was brief. I know that even though her life didn’t come to full term, her life had purpose. I see so clearly how she left me changed for the better. I look forward to holding her in my arms at the end of my life, which is my renewed motivation to live a good one. I have 5 healthy children I am so grateful for. Even though these are truths I hold close, as a human being, I have grieved her loss from the start and will always miss this baby. It is so important to acknowledge that no matter how many children you have, you can and should grieve the unique life you lost. The daily sorrow was strong in the beginning, and it was very hard to keep going forward.
I hesitate to share about what physically happened, but because I felt so blindsided by it all, I hope this can be a way to bring more awareness to what women experience in a miscarriage. You have the option of a surgery, but I personally just wasn’t comfortable with the risks of permanent damage or scar tissue, It takes the body a few weeks to detect the loss of a baby, so even though we knew we had lost ours, we had to wait almost three weeks for the contractions to start. Had it not been for a dear friend of mine, a trusted family friend in the medical field, and Gabe’s research, we would have been in a really unprepared situation. I wish doctors would be more clear about the options you are given, and I really wish they wouldn’t tell you the loss of your “tissue” would be mild cramping. It couldn’t be further from the reality of what I experienced. I actually labored with contractions comparable to my natural childbirths at home with Gabe by my side while my mom took our kids to stay with her. It was on and off for two days. At one point, I passed out from the pain and intensity, and Gabe called the doctor to make sure we didn’t need to go to the ER from blood loss. Thankfully I was able to get through the worst of it, and I delivered the full sac in tact. It took everything out of me physically and emotionally, but I think it allowed me to fully grieve and process what was happening. We created a memorial for our baby with a blooming magnolia tree, and it gave us so much peace to be able to do so.
As my body healed, the grief has slowly lifted as well. It still hits me every so often in unexpected ways. Something will trigger the deep emotion of feeling like someone is missing. Driving by a hospital, seeing a dad holding a baby, hearing a certain song, or even seeing someone expecting who is as far along as I am supposed to be. It often catches me of guard, and I am tempted to bury the pain, but as my mother so wisely advised…I let it come. I let myself cry. I allow myself to feel the pain of the loss.
Everyone has different experiences because loss can occur early to full term, and everyone processes loss differently, but I did want to share some things I wanted to share that have really helped me personally.
Acknowledge the loss – I have talked to a few women who felt unsure why they felt so broken even though the baby was only so many weeks old. I know for certain when we hold onto pain and don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge a loss for what it is, that pain will resurface in some other place and time. The reason we named our baby was to acknowledge that I indeed grew a life inside of me for months (and felt every side effect of it), and very much indeed lost that life. Naming her helped me find acceptance and peace knowing that her existence was real and her loss was real. It’s okay if you are the only one who feels the loss as deeply as you do.
Ask for help – After we saw our baby on the ultrasound, and was told there was no heartbeat, Gabe and I both were somewhat in shock. As we were both trying to process the news the medical tech had just revealed, our doctor came in to share the options we had for the weeks ahead. I felt like I couldn’t make any decisions, and I just wanted someone to tell me what the best option was going to be. Gabe was also having a hard time with the news, and just wanted to support whatever I chose. I started to try to think of someone who had been through this recently that I could ask advice from. I didn’t have the emotional strength to call anyone, so I just texted a close friend who had just been through it a few months before. She walked me through what to expect if I were to have a natural miscarriage, and what I would need to prepare. Not only would that advice save me from hours on scary google forums, but her understanding of the situation gave me so much reassurance that this is something many women before me had been through, and I didn’t need to walk this alone. She also helped me understand what was normal to feel emotionally and physically. My sisters and my mother both stepped in when they heard the news as well. The day I found out we lost the baby, my sister Angela had offered to be with our kids, and she continued to check in on me almost daily. My mom and dad were always checking in on me. I get emotional when I think about my family, and the strength they were for me during the hardest days of my life. If you do not have family near by, don’t be afraid to ask a friend for help during the weeks of your loss. It is okay to need a shoulder to lean on, and chances are, the people you reach out to will be grateful you asked them.
There is no timeline – We all feel things differently, process pain differently, and recover in different ways. If it is taking you longer to recover than maybe a friend seemed to, that is OKAY. There is no timeline for grief. There is no need to rush healing. Allow yourself the grace to feel, process, and ache. I am currently in the middle of it where I know my heart is healing, but I still have time to go.
Communicate with your spouse – There is no possible way for your husband to understand fully what you are experiencing inside of your heart and mind, but I am pretty sure Gabe had never seen me so hurt. I tried my best to explain the emotions I was feeling and he understood the importance of being present to me during this time. He saw first hand what I went through physically, and he was an incredible strength for me during that time. Even though men may not experience the loss of a child the same way, they do feel it. Gabe was hurting in his own way, and we both made efforts to be a landing place for each other when we needed it. Sometimes Gabe could often tell when I needed to get out some of the emotion I was bottling up. He would sit next to me, ask me if it was okay to hold me, and let me just cry it out. .
A friend of mine told me she made a list for her husband to help him understand what she needed, because he was trying, but would often go into fix it mode or find something positive mode. It is impossible to assume they can understand what we need, especially since they have never been through it. So she shared this list as an example: Give me a hug when I come in the door….even if I look busy or fine. If you see me doing too much, tell me to sit down. If I am short with you, defensive, give you attitude, anything like that… PLEASE just ignore it. Just let it go, and know my mood has absolutely nothing to do with you. Know that even if we are having a good time, and I’m being upbeat – it doesn’t go away. The thoughts, sadness, dread, loss, fear, guilt, etc. Remind me that I didn’t cause this. Etc.
Counseling – If you are going through a loss along, or do not have someone to talk to about your experience (especially if it was a traumatic one), consider reaching out to a counselor trained to help with child or pregnancy loss. Two Hearts Counseling is an example. Karen can counsel even through skype. It doesn’t matter what faith or circumstance you come from.
Resources for pregnancy loss:
Books – My dear friend from college who has been through two pregnancy losses, immediately sent me a care package in the mail when she saw the news, including a devotional called Loved Baby. It has been so good to go through when I don’t have emotional bandwidth to process emotions. I also really loved “Grieving the Child I Never Knew.” These are spiritually based books that were such helpful aids for me. If you know of any additional books, please leave them in the comments.
Writing – My sisters who live far away right now all sent me care packages soon after the loss, and inside of those packages were hand written notes, quotes, and prayers that completely lifted my weariness. My sister hand lettered a quote by St. Marie Azelie “We will find our children again up above.”
I wish I knew who sent me a print with the name Cecilia Rose Liesemeyer at the bottom, and a quote that to this moment draws tears in streams from my eyes…. “You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before my throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees the everlasting beauty – he sees my face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for my kingdom and each creature fills a place in that kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for my joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow, and called it forth.”
Music – Music has helped me so much in the healing process. Sometimes when you don’t have the words to speak to others, or when you don’t have the strength to pray, music can do it for you. A few of you sent me songs that helped you during loss. Here are just a few: Supermarket Flowers -Ed Sheerhan, Small Bump – Ed Sheerhan, Always Good – Andrew Pederson, I will Trust in You – Lauren Daigle, New Wine – Hillsong
Communities – I know there are several communities for pregnancy loss, and even if you need that support for a short amount of time, it is worth looking in to. Women have the incredible ability to band together and lift each other up, and in this case, other women who have walked a similar road.
Physical and mental health aids:
Exercise – The science behind what our brain releases during physical exercise explains why it helped me so significantly to break a sweat and release some of the depression and sadness from deep within me. I joined a gym, and have been going a few times a week since the spring. It has helped with my physical post partum recovery as well as given me mental strength.
Nutrients, Vitamins, Oils – Thanks to the advice of my doctor and friends, I continued to take prenatal vitamins following the birth as well as CBD oil, and liquid iron. Going through a natural miscarriage left me physically weak and dizzy for a few weeks after, and felt completely depleted. These sources of vitamins and oils really helped to get me back on my feet, and feeling energy again. I will try to write more about this in depth sometime.
Time with family – This was so therapeutic for me. My children have been healing balm. Rocco would often stroke my head and offer his blankie when he saw me crying, and Azelie would let me hold her. I know not everyone has a baby to hold after a loss, and I feel deeply grateful for the renewed perspective of the miracles they are in my life. I also was able to get a few days away with Gabe in May, and it was good for both of us to have uninterrupted time together.
I would be remiss to leave out prayer. Over and over again. In good days and bad. Both when I have the words, and when I am numb. God has been so faithfully near through the people who have reached out during this time. The messages, the meals, the notes, and even on days of silence. A relationship with God takes effort on our part, just like any other relationship, except with God He gives endlessly even when we have nothing to give back. He carries us when we are weak. He holds our burdens, and kisses our wounds. His love is relentless and pure, and it has sustained me during my darkest moments.
These have all been instrumental to recovery.
If you know someone who is going through or has been through a miscarriage, REACH OUT. It is easy to think you won’t have the right words to say, but believe me, even acknowledging the loss is so comforting to someone who is aching. Whenever a friend would send me a text, bring a meal, or mail a note, I felt so grateful that they would take the time to reach out to us. It didn’t matter what they did or didn’t say. It was ALWAYS needed and ALWAYS deeply appreciated.
Our due date would have been November 8th. It is a day I am dreading in some ways. It is hard not to think of what could have been. Despite all of this, I am thankful she came into our lives. I am immensely grateful for the 5 beautiful children that are with me here on earth.
There has been small moments when I know she is saying hello, and moments where she isn’t so subtle like stumbling on a giant rose garden on our short trip away. I am thankful that this experience can work for good. The day we found out our baby died, a part of me seemed to die too. I know that this baby left me with a greater empathy for women around me, and a greater desire to do good in the short time we are here in life.
If you are going through this, or have been through it, I extend my hand and my heart to you.
Thank you for reading, and for your support, love, and kindness!
