These are words no one ever wants to be part of their family story, and these are words that will never quite express the sorrow that comes with losing a baby. It is an experience that I wish no one had to go through, and yet many women endure it. So for these women I write this….because no one should ever feel like they are walking this type of path alone.
Back in February, I woke up feeling nauseous one night. I just knew right then without a shadow of a doubt that I was expecting. A pregnancy test or two confirmed it, and despite feeling completely unprepared for another baby, I felt a wave of peace. Just as I had learned with Azelie Jane, no life is a mistake by God. Even though I knew Gabe wasn’t any more prepared than I was to add another baby to our family, he also took the news with peace. He has always given me so much love and support with every pregnancy, no matter what our circumstances. This time was no exception.
When the time came to hear the heartbeat for the first time, it had been a tough few weeks, and we were both eager to hear our little one. The heartbeat is that reassuring sound that everything you sacrifice for your child is worth it. I was 10 weeks. It was supposed to be just a check up, and the first midwife we saw did a bedside doppler on my stomach. She couldn’t find the heartbeat, but reassured us that it was probably still too early in the pregnancy to be able to. I immediately connected this to how I had suddenly stopped feeling icky the week before and in my gut I knew something was wrong. She suggested we just do an ultrasound. A nurse tech walked us into the room as I held my breath. She was so kind to us, and gave us only uplifting comments about how this was our 6th baby. (What an important role medical aids can have during these times.) We anxiously awaited to see our 10 week baby moving around on the screen, and as Gabe and I were marveling over all the little features that had already formed, I noticed the nurse go silent. She relayed news you never want to be your reality. There was no heartbeat. There was no longer life. Everything stood still in that moment. It was a feeling of immediate loss and devastation. A surreal moment that your baby, which had accompanied you throughout the last few months, was suddenly gone.
When you are told that baby will never be, it feels as though someone has taken the wind out of you. It feels right then and there that your heart is incomplete….a gaping hole that is left inside which will never be filled on this earth. I had never seen Gabe weep before. I think it is important to remember, the fathers hurt too. He held my hand in silence the whole way home, and we tried to process the news in between the hustle of our very busy home.
We decided to wait for the baby to pass naturally at home which happened a few weeks later. It was by far the hardest experiences of my life physically and emotionally. It opened my eyes to the excruciating physical pain, grief, and trauma women experience when they lose a child. You give your body over to your child when you are expecting. The nausea, fatigue, aches, and growing frame seem a small price to pay the moment that baby is in your arms. However, what about when that life doesn’t come to full bloom? It is something so difficult to process as you struggle to make sense of your empty arms. It is one thing to suffer physically for the sake of a new life, but it is another to suffer physically as a result of a death. Gabe never left my side through the labor pains and the tears. He physically and emotionally held me up when I was too weak to do it on my own.
I also felt God so near. He showed up for me in the past few weeks in such personal ways. Through letters from my sisters, words from my mother, meals, flowers, and messages from friends, kisses from my children, the kindness of the nurses, and the embrace of my spouse. Pain and suffering can drown us if we let it, but they can also be our teachers. Throughout the last few weeks I have never experienced the depth of the love of God as I did through this time.
Before we lost the baby, I had told Gabe I thought it was a girl. Just an instinct I had. I knew it would help me in the healing process to have a better semblance of who our baby was, and I fell asleep one night with a prayer to know if it was a boy or a girl. Right before I woke up the next morning, I had a very vivid dream that I was gazing at a tree with small green buds on it’s branches. It was covered in the most beautiful vivid pink ornaments that shimmered in the dawn of a grey-ish blue morning sky. I was trying to snap a picture of it to hold onto the memory. When I woke up, I knew it was a consolation from heaven that it was indeed a little girl. A little girl who wouldn’t come to full bloom here on earth, but was very much alive in the arms of her creator. We went out today to find a tree to create a memorial for her. Gabe spent so much time looking for just the right one. And wouldn’t you know, we found a magnolia that happens to bloom vivid pink blooms in the Spring.
Although she came unexpectedly and left us unexpectedly she was still a beautiful song in our lives. I learned more from this baby in a few short months than I have in my lifetime. I see my children with a renewed perspective of the miracles they are. For this reason, we chose the name Cecilia Rose. Cecilia after the patron saint of music, and Rose (mine and my daughter Veronica’s middle name) because she came to us in the spring. So we lift our heavy hearts to sing a song of thanksgiving for this little angel. I am so grateful to have been her first home.
“We shall find our little ones again up above.” – St. Marie Azelie
If you are going through this and need someone to talk to about it, please don’t ever hesitate to reach out. A follow up post on this topic: Pregnancy loss and the recovery process.
