A common question I receive in different forms that doesn’t have a short answer is, “Is having 5 kids hard?”. I will never sugar coat what life with 5 kids is like. There are days that seem to demand more energy than I have to give, and there are days that seem smooth enough to give us a moment of reassurance that we are doing alright. There are moments I am tempted to run and hide in my closet for a 5 minute breather to escape the noise, but there are also moments my eyes well up with tears being overwhelmed with just how much I love them. This is the great juxtaposition of motherhood, a wide range of emotions that coexist together. It brings us on a wild ride which requires helmets and serious battle gear. We hurt when they hurt. We fear all of the possible threats or dangers to their lives. We are filled with joy seeing them happy. The emotions are high and low, up and down, and to Timbuktu and back. I think however, all of this applies whether you are a mother of 1 or a mother of 11 (Hi mom! She should probably write this post.).
So when people tell me they are overwhelmed with “just two” children, and they can’t imagine 5, I agree with them. I can’t imagine it either…until I remember the number of children I have. You see, 2 was overwhelming for me also. 3 almost broke me. 4 was batsh*t crazy, and 5 is still borderline batsh*t crazy. However, there are a few things that are different now….
1) Motherhood will always demand my max capacity. No matter the number of children we have, we pour everything into them. We give all we have to care for them and love them in the best way we know how. I think often times (there are always exceptions), as your family grows so does your capacity. You learn to let some things go, you get creative with multi-tasking, and your expectations naturally shift and adapt to, dare I say, a more reasonable level? (Coming from someone who, before kids, was determined that her children were not going to watch tv. Hardy har har.)
2) We are not capable of circumstances that are not our current reality. If I could recommend one thing, it would be to never determine your family size right after birth, while you are tired, or when you have a screaming toddler. We are not capable of the future in the present moment. Our mental strength or tired spirits often cannot fathom anything more than what is right in front of us… and we shouldn’t. Gabe and I have attempted to keep an open ended family size to leave space for what we may not be able to grasp in the present. I never thought I would be able to manage 5, and had a difficult time accepting pregnancy news with a 6 month baby already in my arms. But as soon as she arrived, that wonderful familiarity took over and a deep peace filled my heart. She was meant to be here, and I was made to be her mother. Not a day sooner or a day later, but in that moment I had what I needed to welcome our 5th baby into the world. Was it easy to adjust when I got home? Not at all. The days turned into months though, and a new rhythm took over. We can easily get caught up in fears, doubts, worries, and “what if’s” that could possibly just rob us of the greatest joys the world has to offer.
3) Children get older. I know, obviously. But! I swear when I had 3 under 4, I felt like the days all bled into one. I felt like I would be in a perpetual state of answering approximately 117 questions a day and wondered if I would ever feel rested again. However, phases are indeed temporary. 5 yrs old is golden. 7 yrs. old is even better. 9 yrs old? Glorious! Independence, logical conversation, and problem solving actually exist in these years. Gabriel and Veronica fight over who gets to play with the babies who would otherwise be clinging to my legs. A shift happens, and suddenly life doesn’t feel like you are drowning anymore. So currently, 5 feels much more like a balance than 3 small dependent children did, if that is possible!
I write all of this to have a place to direct those frequent questions on instagram that need a more thorough answer than yes or no in regards to family size. The truth is, we should be careful to never compare. We all have different circumstances, support systems, personalities, and limits. Not everyone is meant to have the same amount of children. There is no one perfect family size. There are many factors that weigh into this subject that are so personal, and it is something that should be discerned and discussed between you, your significant other, and God (if you are a person of faith), the creator of life. Just think about how many women experience difficult births. There are women who struggle with infertility. Women who struggle with surprise pregnancies. Women who come from tough childhoods. Women who struggle with mental disorders or physical ailments or a have a child with a handicap. Women who have extremely challenging pregnancies or post-partum experiences. We are all so unique. Our stories are each so different. So it is important that we don’t lightly toss around the words “are you done having kids?” or “are you going to try for a boy/girl?” or “do you know how babies are made?” Maybe we can even start changing the language to more positive and respectful dialogue, because we never know the road that someone else has traveled, and the challenges they have faced along that road.
I happen to have pretty easy pregnancies and okay recoveries. This has allowed me to be open to a larger family size. It is something Gabe and I frequently pray for guidance on. I grew up in a large family so the logistics were not foreign to me. I loved having a built in support system in my own home. I loved the experience of friendship that I have had throughout my life with my brothers and sisters. It doesn’t compare to anything else. It is something we hope that our own children can have with each other long after we are gone. However, I know this means a lot of sacrifice on our part. It requires giving up many opportunities and daily freedoms as well as financial sacrifices. Having 5 children certainly wasn’t for my own personal fulfillment or just for fun. It was more for them. Seeing the relationships grow between our children has been the best part of my life. It is something I find worth fighting for. There is no material thing or experience on this earth that can replace the value of that.
That being said, I am acutely aware that large families are not an option for everyone or not always possible. So I also think there are ways to create a beautiful family culture no matter the size. There can be friends who are like family, and there can be support systems through other sources. There can be memories, traditions, and a great deal of love in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. So much to say on this topic, but I will leave it at this for now.
Ultimately, no matter how many children you have, parenthood is selfless love. It isn’t easy. It isn’t supposed to be. It can be incredibly life giving though. I would never want to go back to a life without my wise old soul Gabriel, my creative wildflower Veronica, my wild hearted and comical Max the Moose, my tender hearted curious Rocco, my spunky sweet pea Azelie, and even my angel baby Cecilia. Each have molded and shaped me into someone who I would rather be. Our children have that unique ability to change us for the better.
(Photo by Tim Willouby)
