I have gone through birth 6 times now, and you would think it is something that starts to get a little easier. However, as I approach my third trimester, I I feel the anxiety starting to creep in. I still hold onto so many what-ifs and memories from a few hard experiences that I haven’t fully faced and worked through.
I have 5 children and an angel baby who I lost at 10 weeks. 3 of those experiences were unmedicated (not by choice – they came fast!), and the rest I opted for an epidural. Writing about our birth experiences always feels very vulnerable to me as it is so deeply personal. This post is NOT about what type of birth is best. I don’t believe in advocating for one type of birth. We all have very different stories and circumstances. I will say though that because I was not mentally prepared for the unmedicated births, the pain and unexpectedness of it all was overwhelming, and a little traumatic for me.
Both Veronica and Max came too fast to even opt for pain medication, and I felt a little like a warrior without any weapons going into birthing battle. Gabe almost had to deliver Max in the hospital parking lot! He was my biggest baby at 9lbs 6oz, and all hopes for a water birth evaporated as I was wheeled through the hospital doors and straight onto the delivery table where he was born 10 minutes later. Hence the reason I welcomed the anesthesiologist for both Rocco and Azelie’s birth with open arms. Those births felt like a peaceful dream in comparison! Although I don’t see how Max’s birth could have been any other way considering the burst of energy and laughter he has been in our lives since day one.
When we lost our 6th baby, we chose a natural miscarriage over medication or DNC, but I was unaware at what that would fully entail. We knew our baby had died in the womb, but it took three weeks for my body to deliver. We were at home – just Gabe and I, and although we knew a little about what to expect, I still felt completely blindsided by how intense the delivery was. I know it isn’t the same for everyone, but for me, it was as intense as my unmedicated births. It was already a grief ridden time, and the whole experience also left some deep emotional pain that took a long time to heal from. The physical recovery took a few days, and I have spent every month since working on the emotional healing. However, I know I still carry anxiety around that experience as well as the fast and hard labors.
I would love for the coming labor of this little rainbow baby to be a peaceful one (as much as it can be), so I want to prepare myself should I face another fast labor and unmedicated birth. What really has opened my eyes is reading and listening to birth stories from other women. It feels like so many layers are being peeled back to reveal a deep truth….we are much more capable than we have been made to believe. In a culture of wonderful new medicines and scientific advancements, we have somehow also forgotten that for thousands of years, women have done this on their own. (I say this with the intention of giving birth in a hospital, with a doctor and a midwife, and maybe medication if I need it! All wonderful things!) I am just coming to understand though, that if we really had the confidence in our bodies ability to do what it was made for, our experiences may be very different. I know for a fact had I been better prepared mentally, my harder birth experiences wouldn’t have been met with so much resistance and confusion.
I would really like to do more research about hypno-birthing or healing from a tough birth experience, so if you have any recommendations for podcasts or books I can read please pass them along!
It is not lost on me what a gift it is to welcome this life into the world. It is a privilege and an honor to be this baby’s first home. In fact, I well up with tears every time I think about it. This baby has already brought so much gratitude and love into our lives. I hope in sharing this part of my story it also brings awareness that pregnancy and birth is not always as easy as observing from the outside can make it seem. The most beautiful experiences in life are often paralleled with pain. Many times it’s the harder moments that make way for the deeper gratitude of it all!
As always, thank you for reading and for being an uplifting community to share with. Much love to each of you going through your own very unique journeys of motherhood.
