Madewell-x-IHOD

Old lies die hard.

March 14, 2016

Madewell-x-IHOD

 

checked out

 
put on a face
 

I was having a particularly rough week recently and needed some balanced ground to the emotional roller coaster I felt I couldn’t get off. So of course, I called my mother. We were talking about how hard it is to overcome our perception of what we think we should be versus just living out what we are able. We carry with us perceptions of what a good friend/wife/mother/sister should be, and it can often trap us into a fear of failure. Some examples:

The truth: Since my mother was able to make us dinner each night as children, I want to do that for my own family as a way to show love and bring us together.
The reality: Some days I am able to make this happen, and on many days, I burn dinner or need to order pizza to make the day work. It’s a part of life where we are at now having little ones and working part time from home.
The lie: I am failing my family because I can’t make them a hot meal. 

The truth: I have always been a pretty strong and independent girl from the time I was very young. I was rarely emotional about things before marriage and children.
The reality: I feel things very deeply, and am sensitive by nature. I now tear up all the time, and cry often. When I am happy I tear up (I totally feel you Kristen Bell), I cry when I am hurt or upset, and I angry cry when things get really tough.
The lie: Showing emotion is a weakness. I am not being strong enough or tough enough if I let the sad or angry emotion show through.

The truth: I love order and organization despite my messy art mind. I thrive in a clean environment, so I resolved to have my home clean when Gabe comes home from work so he can relax and enjoy the kids….and maybe have some food on the table (because you know, my love language.)
The reality: I have four little ones. Repeat: I have four little ones. Despite my attempts to pick up after mini tornadoes all day long, it is rare the house is clean when he walks in the door.  Sometimes I haven’t opened the fridge to decide what is for dinner either because I just turned in a post deadline while helping my son with his homework also while potty training a two year old.
The lie: I am failing as a wife. (Even though Gabe doesn’t care about a clean house!) I don’t have things under control.

I don’t think we know when exactly these lies form and why we cling to them so tightly, but I can tell you facing them and breaking through those lies are worth the fight. Sometimes I feel like my two year old son making the same mistakes over and over and not quite learning the lesson, but I know the practice of saying the real truth out loud and resolving to practice a positive frame of mind will someday break the habit of giving into it. Just talking it through with my own mother who knows me so well, and who has been through the same battles was so healing for me.

Have you had a similar experience breaking a habit or thought process that is so deeply engrained?

I think it’s important to discuss that as women we cannot be superheroes. It’s actually a beautiful truth that we have both strengths and weaknesses that are different from the person next to us. We can ask for help. We can lean on each other. We can overcome negative perceptions of ourself. We can dig deep and find the root of our struggles and fight to overcome them. I think it can drastically change our happiness in our day to day lives and the way we interact with those around us.

Hope you all have a good fresh start to your week!
Photo One by Morgan Blake from this post, Photo two: source, Photo three: source

Leave a Comment

  • So feeling this! I just talked to my husband about it yesterday. The days I cook, I feel like I spend three house on meal prep cook and clean up. Naptime is worktime, and so is evening much of the time after kiddos go to bed. I am struggling with balancing everything. And yet it is very difficult to work in a space that isn’t at least cleanish, and a dirty kitchen in the morning has a way of ruining my day:) I have no answers, just in the trenches with you

    • Ain’t it true! Literally three hours. Sometimes Gabe will tackle clean up if I cook which is nice, but I realize that balance will look differently each day but the root is that my love is known to them in my demeanor. That is more important than a home cooked meal!

  • Sarah E.

    Thank you for sharing! I agree with you, as women, we need to be more encouraging, more accepting and less critical. We all have our days and I constantly battle with finding balance. It’s a daily struggle to overcome habits and beliefs but I try to encourage myself through small victories and being more lenient with accepting not everything will be perfect. Keep up the great work!

    • YES! A daily practice of not allowing those thoughts to take over. It is a good idea to acknowledge the small victories too. It prevents discouragement!

  • Yep to all of this. I’m listening to Brene Brown at the moment and it is so applicable to what you wrote. Still listening, but between minute 19-26 is so relatable! ๐Ÿ™‚ https://www.facebook.com/SunnyLenarduzzi/videos/vb.791918000851409/1054777577898782/?type=2&theater

  • This is so great! And real! I love it!

    I tend to struggle with your first point, myself, and I don’t even have kids! I grew up with my mom being a stay-at-home mom for my brother and me. I grew up like you with meals at the table almost every night. But, now, with myself and my husband both with full-time jobs, I fall victim to the lie of me being a failure of a wife if I don’t have dinner on the table for my husband.

    It amazes me how easily we can succumb to lies such as you’ve posted, even when they are ones that are self-imposed! Thanks for keeping things real!

    • Isn’t it true? Even when we are the only one telling ourselves we are failing, we still believe it. Thankful for Gabe who reminds me frequently he likes leftovers just as much as anything else. ha!

  • You absolutely hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you so much for sharing your moments of struggle when it comes to what we believe about ourselves. Its such a big deal, since we (the mothers/wives of our households) set the tone for the whole family. So taking good care of ourselves is obviously important in order to take care of everyone else… and that also involves this thing of relinquishing lies that hold us back from our greatest potential.

    I always love reading your posts, Anna! Thanks so much for sharing your heart!

    • I so appreciate your thoughtful comment Kristen, thank you! That is so true. We often set the tone for the homes we live in. It’s something worth fighting for to make it count. x

  • oh my goodness i needed this after also having a hard week. thanks for sharing the ‘lie’ that we all must have perfect homes, meals, children and ourselves be perfect. its not reality. phew. xo

  • Oh Anna! Thank you for writing so beautifully. I needed this read after I sent an email about enrolling my son in school next year. I know so many beautiful moms that homeschool (and homeschool well!) but I am just not sure it is what is best for me. I have been in the throws of “if I was a more patient person” lie that I would then be the perfect homeschooling parent. The truth is that school and what works looks different for every family.

    Sending you much love and praise God for those good men that we have married. I am always grateful Sean is a “good eater” and tolerates anything I cook.

    • Katie, isn’t it funny how easily we shortchange ourselves? It’s an easy trap. And just so you know, I went through the same thought;) I know that your boy will thrive because he is so loved at home and because you have his best interest at heart. One year at a time, one day at a time. Each looks so different from the next! Yes, thank God for good men who aren’t picky at the table. ha!

  • One of my favorite posts you’ve ever written, Anna. Thank you for this! I am with you on all of it. It’s part of the reason I have to have my quiet time with my devotional and bible every single day even if it’s only 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. It’s too easy for me to listen to lies when I am (happily) exhausted each day by my babes. This is such a beautiful reminder!! Love you, friend!

    • Oh Amanda, I am clinging to my daily devotional lately! (Btw, have you read Jesus Calling? It’s literally been a saving grace this month.) Love you friend!

  • Couldn’t agree more with you! I needed to read this. Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

  • OH the feels! Totally mutual. Great post.

  • Such great insight- thanks for sharing this! Also, my mom made dinner every night, too, and now that I’m in the position of wife and mother I am in complete awe of that, although I never appreciated her efforts growing up!

    • Right?? I call my mother often now and tell her how amazed I am at what she did for us. So even though my children may not fully see it now, hopefully one day our efforts both big and small are appreciated. Even not, they are worth it;)

  • I really needed to read this — thank you for framing this so well. I have been feeling like a failure on many fronts since I started back to work after several years home with my three kids. I will try not to consider myself a failure as a mom and wife if I don’t manage to put homemade meals on the table 6 nights a week.

  • Whoa. I literally sat on the couch with my husband last night and confessed to him that I was struggling with believing all of these same exact lies . I hear you heart and soul.

  • oh anna. all of this. what an amazing post!!! thank you so much for being vulnerable for the rest of us who also hear these lies on a daily basis (hello, frozen waffles for dinner weekly around here!). love you so!

  • Loved this post! I’ve been going similar thoughts in my own head lately and I’ve been trying to negate them with something more positive.

  • So, so good.

    I have a great life, but, I stress out about the ways it doesn’t match up to what it should be. Or about taking next steps without having every little duck in a row. It feels impossible,

    For me the most difficult thing is balancing pursuit of goals against feeling like a failure if I can’t meet them – or if I can’t meet them when and how I think I should.

  • Pat Schwab

    Anna, I cry for all the same reasons. Happy, sad, and angry! I became more sensitive after I had children. Pat S

  • YES!!! Thank you for sharing this Anna. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with #3. My husband is a family practice resident with crazy crazy hours… and his weekly schedule changes every 5 weeks. This past rotation was so bad we ate take out Friday through Sunday because I just couldn’t keep up with dishes laundry etc. Also, when it takes more than 10 minutes for me to pick up all the toys I know we have too many toys… so we either donate or hide some and rotate them out every few months. The boys are 4 and 2 and don’t notice anything is missing.
    Frequently my husband will come home and I’ll just feel like crying for no reason… after writing all this I think it could be deep seated relief.
    Sorry for the lengthy comment!
    โ™กโ™กโ™ก this post!

  • SUCH A WELL WRITTEN POST ANNA. I SO COULD HAVE USED THIS WHEN MINE WAS LITTLE. HE’S 15 NOW AND I MISS THE DAILY INTERACTION SO MUCH. HOWEVER, I SPENT MUCH OF THIS TIME FEELING INADEQUATE. YOU HAVE A FEW STRONG WILLED ONES SO I KNOW YOU KNOW THE FEELING. IT WAS A CONSTANT BATTLE THAT LEFT ME FEELING SO DEFEATED (i TOO STAYED AT HOME). LOOKING BACK, I KNOW I WAS A GOOD MOM. I KNOW THAT THERE’S NO WAY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN BETTER CARE OF MYSELF (MENTALLY). I KNOW THAT THE COMPARISON CAME IS A LOSING BATTLE. YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS (AND NOW YOU HAVE THE SUPPORT OF YOUR SISTER LIVING CLOSE!) AND YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY CALLING YOUR MOM. THEY ALWAYS MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER DON’T THEY?! MY SON IS A GOOD, GOOD KID (PARENTS AND TEACHERS ALWAYS TELL US THIS!) SO I KNOW ALL OF THE HARD WORK MADE FOR A GREAT KID! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK. I ADMIRE YOU SO!

  • There is a lot a bottle up I guess, things which I feel are just best kept to myself, but we all have that. I’m learning to talk and write down my thoughts more, and strangly that’s what I blogged about yesterday. I might be worth having a look if you get a spare 10 mins.

    Buckets & Spades

  • what a beautiful post! i’m a new mom to an 8 month old and i work full time. i’m constantly juggling my new identity as a mom, my identity as a wife and ME. its hard to keep up with all the expectations i have of myself and the expectations i think others have of me. its nice to see a post like this in the blogosphere where everything always looks so beautifully curated. nice to hear that other women out there are real and know we are all just doing our best! cheers to you and to the gifts of our imperfections!

  • Christina

    This is wonderfully written! I recently took the task of getting my negative thoughts (lies) out of my head and fighting them head on with two positive counterparts. Balancing our vocation and our work, both of which are passions and gifts, make our minds twist and turn when we try to compare our lives to either that of our mothers or to others. I’m so blessed to have you in my life and witness the gifts God has given you in so many areas.
    Keep on good friend!
    And kick those lies to the curb right when they try to creep in and steal the Joy he has given you!

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