How on earth do you miss that you’re pregnant for two months?

May 12, 2016

 20 weeks

 

Back in January I suddenly got smacked with light headedness, nausea, and fatigue. You think this would give me some insight into the familiar territory of pregnancy. Nope. Instead I assumed something was wrong, made a doctor appointment, canceled it, and self-diagnosed myself with anemia….which was in fact true. It was also true that I was pregnant, and hadn’t the slightest idea. Maybe it didn’t cross my mind because I was in denial or maybe because I just blamed it on the lack of sleep and demanding breastfeeding schedule. I am usually very on top of what is going on in my fertility and cycle, so it honestly never crossed my mind until….

About four weeks later I notice my stomach looked super bloated. The anemia was gone after I took some liquid iron, so the fatigue and nausea were no longer visiting, and my energy was normal. However, my stomach was growing. I hadn’t an explanation except maybe one too many Christmas cookies. Besides, I did have what I thought was a cycle that month. (Sorry for the tmi, but these things are important supportive details to the story mind you!;)) That is when the question first made an appearance. Could it be? Highly unlikely. But maybe? I just need to stop emotional binging on sweets I decided.

It was time to confront the question that had been lingering in my mind. Of course I was terrified. I had a 6 month old baby. I felt like I just went through pregnancy, birth, and post-partum months and was finally getting into the groove with four little ones. This couldn’t be happening. I bought a pregnancy test, but didn’t take it. I wasn’t ready to accept the outcome. I spent a few days letting myself process the what if’s, followed by many prayers for the strength to accept and the courage to trust. It seems God’s continual pattern with me as to ask me to allow trust and let go of the wheel. At this point I still hadn’t said a word about it to Gabe. Probably because I was concerned it would be tough for him too. A few days later, he made a joke about not being too shocked anymore if we ended up being pregnant soon. Little did he know there was a pregnancy test in the drawer of the other room waiting to determine womb status. I got to the point where I needed him though. He is always the steady support no matter what we have gone through in life. Being the strong heart that he is, he encouraged me to take the test and reassured me that if it was positive, it was positive because there was a little life that God had created for a reason. I knew this deep inside, but his reassurance lifted me up like only your spouse can. 

20 week ultra sound

Positive pregnancy test.
Tears. 
Dizziness.
More tears. These tears were actually not just overwhelmed tears, they were because I knew there was something beyond my control entering our life that was probably much greater than I could fathom at the moment, and it was probably that baby sister Veronica has been pleading and praying for. It was overwhelming, and took many weeks for me to process in my very secondary nature. 

A month later, when I went to the doctor for the second time for an ultrasound., they revealed that I was actually three weeks further along than I had personally calculated. And just like that I was already into my second trimester. I hadn’t known I was pregnant for two out of those three months.

I am sharing this part of the story for anyone experiencing something similar. Not every pregnancy test has to begin with the warm fuzzy feels. It’s quite alright to feel overwhelmed, scared, terrified, and even doubtful. Guilt may even come as a result of those feelings, but the good news is, it’s almost impossible not to fall in love with a beating heart relying on you for life. And once you lay eyes on that face for the first time, the floodgates of love pour forth beyond what you knew you were capable of.

Yesterday, I got to see the four heart chambers of my little one on an ultra sound. This time, there were tears of complete happiness. I still feel overwhelmed, but I also feel so grateful and undeserving that I get to be the one to carry this little one for 9 months. 

Half way to meeting you little one! 

 

Leave a Comment

  • Catherine

    This is such a sweet post! I’m so excited for you and your family 🙂

  • Pat Schwab

    Anna, This little one is one lucky baby to be joining your family that is filled with love. I have 3 kids and my baby just turned 18 yesterday and will be going off to college soon. Pat S

  • Aw! Congratulations! That’s wonderful news! I love what you said, ” it’s almost impossible not to fall in love with a beating heart relying on you for life.” So beautifully put.

    Taffeta & Tulips

  • Oh Anna, this post was absolutely God giving me the hug I needed this morning. I’ve been a long time reader, lurking and never commenting… always admiring though how incredibly graceful you are and appreciating how your blog/ instagram is one of the very few that I enjoy and am inspired by every time I check in. I’m actually pretty sure I met you and some of your sisters once or twice attending ECYD events in Atlanta (remember the fashion show fundraiser thing?). Anyhoo, I was wide awake until 3:30am as it hit me full force that I am probably pregnant with our third. My youngest is the same age as Rocco, and I too am nursing and following (a little too loosely obviously) NFP. I keep getting a negative pregnancy test, but that’s because it’s still early by my calculations, and I just KNOW as all the lovely pregnancy symptoms come right back- oh look, there you are insomnia! And it all hit me last night full force. I was wrestling with God all last night, feeling so alone, angry, and scared. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me, as I feel it is God strongly telling me He hasn’t abandoned me and He has a plan. And it is so much bigger than mine. It will all be okay. Thanks for the reminder.

    • Katie,
      First of all, thank you for being a long time reader and the incredibly kind comment. What a small world, we have probably met!
      Second, it helps to know we walk this life alongside others on the same page of life sometimes. I know #3 may be the most intimidating when they are all small. I think three was the hardest for me after he was born. It’s the initial time adjusting that feels overwhelming, but oh the people these little babes become!
      Lastly, yes let the emotions out! It’s so good to let them have a say rather than keep them bottled, but it’s also good to look them in the eye, and tell them you aren’t going to give into letting them take away the good. Once we are holding these sweet babies there will be no question that they were meant to be here all along;)
      Hugs!

  • Thank you for sharing Anna – It will be exciting to find out if Veronica gets her little sister after all.

    I have three boys – 13, 8 and 6 – and a little babe due in September. While we have been excited from the get-go, moments of uncertainty have captured my thoughts on occasion. Thoughts of ‘starting over’ ‘the sleepless nights’ ‘diapers’ ‘bringing a baby into our crazy’ – wondering if we heard God right when we decided to try for the last time. Of course He was right – He’s always right. Already so in love…
    Blessings through and through! xo

    • Sarah, I can imagine starting from scratch is much to take in at times. My mom had a baby girl 6 years after when they thought they were done having children! And yes…they end up being such a light for every person in the family. My sister Ava Grace is one of the most sweet natured gems, and I am so thankful she is a part of our lives. Happy for you Sarah! x

  • This post hits home for me too! because, yes, not all pregnancies start with tears of joy. I’m all too familiar with the feeling… I had a 6 month old (colicky) baby when I got pregnant with my 4th son! To top it off I was due on my sisters wedding day… Finally a dear friend reminded me God does everything on purpose, and now I can’t imagine our family without little Jack (who is already 1!)
    Good luck!
    God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle 😉

    • Oh gosh I can’t even fathom finding out I was pregnant with a colicky baby! And I have been 8 months pregnant at a sister’s wedding so I feel ya! ha! But I love hearing these stories. It’s clear that sometimes you cannot expect the best little beings that come our way.

  • So honored by your story Anna! What a beautiful, REAL witness for life 🙂 it’s not easy & it’s not always what we want but God can do miraculous things when we give him an inch can’t he?!
    In our (not-pregnant) status, we are wrestling with when and how and if we will have another & I pray for the courage to receive whatever he has planned for us just as you & Gabe are! #partyofseven

  • Congratulations. I am so excited for you. I know it’s about scary sometimes but your a great mama and we love following your sweet family. I have 4 kiddos. 21,17,14, and 18 mos. yes he was a huge surprise. We had given up on hopes of another many years ago. It’s been so much fun for us and so life changing to start over. This little man will keep us young ? praying for that sweet baby girl but don’t forget God knows what you all need. My 17 yo is surrounded by all brothers. She’s the princess ❤️ Blessings to you and sweet baby!

    • Millie, you are so kind! Thank you so very much for the support. And I love hearing your story! Something very similar happened with my own mother, and now my baby sister is 9 and every year on her birthday, I thank God for her sweet life. x

  • Congrats Anna! We are expecting our 5th baby after a five year unexplained break, but before that we were in very familiar territory with you. Our first two are 15 months apart, and third ad fourth are 14 months apart. I understand the feelings of being asked to let go. I’ll say a prayer for you today as you all make love your choice and welcome this new life.

    • I appreciate that more than you know! Hearing these stories makes me realize that so many of us women can battle fears…..fear of being out of control, fear of failure, fear of chaos….all legitimate fears to be acknowledged. However, how swiftly they are replaced with abundant love, gratitude, and growth when the baby comes. Thankful for that!

  • This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us!

  • Thanks for being so transparent with your story. I felt your emotions, but nothing like hearing the heartbeat. It’s such a sweet journey.

  • Oh Anna! The very first time I saw you were pregnant (your reveal post) I was so happy for you and tearing up! For happiness, of course, but also for those very real reasons you listed today. There is a weight of things when life doesn’t go as “planned” or expected, but then, when you realize the situation in it’s entirety, you get it. God knows. He has always known best. I only know you through your blog but am so, so happy for you and the gift this little baby will get to be in your family! We all can’t wait to see who He has blessed you with. God bless!

    • Cynthia that moves me so much that I have such an incredible support of women surrounding me during this crazy adventure. You hit the nail on the head. He always knows best. I am getting so excited to meet this baby. x

  • Thank you for this post! We actually had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday as well and it definitely makes this pregnancy so much more real (as if the growing tummy and pregnancy hormones don’t make it real ?)! We had the same beginning as described in your post and it was only because I was trying to prove my husbands jokes about having baby #3 so soon that I took that test! I mean come on, we have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, how could I handle one more so soon? But it was positive and I cried and freaked out and couldn’t get out of that state for days! But upon realizing that we really are growing another miracle, those warm fuzzies kicked in and we seriously wouldn’t have it any other way! Now we are all so excited but the guilt does kick in every so often that those first few days I wasn’t too happy, but we push those emotions back and live in this life day by day that God grants us! Blessings on your pregnancy and I’m so excited to follow you along on this journey!!

    Xoxo, Marina ❤️

    • Oh my gosh how crazy! So another September surprise baby:) Thank goodness for the ultra sounds that gives us a little something to hold onto till birth day!
      Thanks for sharing Marina. Loved hearing your story!

  • What an unbelievable story. I am so happy for you both. God does make plans for us in life and sometimes we don’t when they’ll have but when they do … It is definitely for good reason and he’s chosen you for a reason as well.

  • Been there sweet Anna. You’re a beautiful mom, hope you’re feeling better!

  • Beautiful! Congratulations!!

  • We just found out we were pregnant yesterday (total shock), and I have much of the same overwhelming, scared, and feelings of guilt! We have 2 other little ones and feel like I just barely got over postpartum depression with my last. So I got tears when I read your story-it’s just good to know we are never alone and it’s ok if I have these feelings! It’s such a peace to know God is completely sovereign over all this, and that I need to be totally dependent on his strength while raising the children we already have. I’m so excited to hear our baby’s heart beat in the coming weeks, and hopefully that will help all this really click and I can feel all that love too! I already love this baby, just trying to wrap my head around all this still! Thanks so much for sharing:).

    • Oh Morganne! Congratulations my dear! Although I know all too well those feelings. When I had anemia the extreme fatigue made me feel so down and almost depressed. It’s very hard to fathom peace when you feel everything is stormy. But yes you are right. Thankful for a God who is much bigger in strength than I, and can carry me when I am weak. I know he will do the same for you. Hugs!

  • Beautiful and well written. I can think of so many hearts that will find solace in reading this. Thanks for sharing, Anna!

  • Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! We have decided to be one and done after lots of hard heartbreak and finally be blessed with our Luna. For me, I’ll admit some days I secretly wish an oops will happen!

    Xo Lendy
    http://www.twoplusluna.com

    • Lendy, I think often of those whose story is opposite of mine. I love hearing those stories too. It’s a reminder, no path is easy, but also each of us have such a unique one to walk. I bet your child is so loved! x

  • As someone else commented- been there. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing, Anna! It truly helps to know we aren’t alone in our individual situations.

  • I love reading this. And can completely sympathize – but also tell you (as you already know) that God chose this baby for your family! Our youngest was a total surprise. I took FOUR pregnancy tests because I was convinced that it couldn’t possibly be. And then he was born and of course he was just what we needed to complete our family!

    • oh my gosh Kris too funny! You think I would have taken four, but only had one in the box. ha!

      • Yes -my best friend was over that day helping me paint my dining room and she though something was wrong we me because I kept drinking a bunch of water and going to the bathroom. And drinking water and going to the bathroom. Etc. The first two-pack of tests I bought and did were store-brand, so I convinced myself that something was wrong with them and went back and got a two-pack of name brand. You would think, four kids in, I would know better!

  • Canaan Stevens

    Thank you for your heartfelt honesty. Amazing writing and I could feel the emotion through it. I’ve been exactly there. Praying for you as you prepare for this newest life to enter your family. God bless you, Anna!!

  • What a ride of emotions! Thank you for sharing your heart! God is so good and your family is so blessed to have you, Anna! Many prayers for you and your newest little one on the way!

  • Thanks for this. My little one is 11 months and I desperately, selfishly want a few months off the breastfeeding/pregnancy train. But my cycle is off as I am weaning and I might be just waiting to take a test. Struggling in the unkown.

  • Wow! That is so crazy that you didn’t know, especially with having four little ones already like you mentioned. What a surprise! I loved your announcement video and am so happy for you all 🙂 God bless!

  • So excited for your pregnancy! You are so brave. I think God definitely has a big plan for us and I am sure your baby will be such a big blessing for everyone! Can’t wait to see your bump.
    Congratulations!!!
    xo
    Carolina | http://www.dearbabymj.com

  • I had that same feeling with #3. I was terrified, my husband was even moreso. I just put him to bed and we are both still amazed at how wonderful our little whoops is. Good for you. I’d go for four if I could but my body is done.

  • We knew we wanted one more child after Essley but Emmett was sort of a surprise. I’d only had one period (TMI here too!) after Essley because I was still nursing, and I guess I just didn’t think I would get pregnant right away when I had already had a baby just over a year old who was breastfeeding. I couldn’t believe it when the test was positive. We tried for a while for Essley but this was just BAHM. After the initial shock we were thrilled. I’m so happy for your and your beautiful family Anna!

    • I didn’t know that Melissa! Yep breastfeeding doesn’t really naturally space for me like most people! So cool they have each other now though:) They are so darn cute!

  • Trish Robinson

    I’m very grateful for reading your blog and comments. Thanks so much to the moms posting all of your struggles with accepting the gift of motherhood. We so much need to be grateful souls for all that the good Lord hands us. Thanks for your courage and being open to the plans of the Holy Spirit!

  • Marchelle

    Anna, this is such a beautiful and blessed account of those mixing of emotions we often feel as expectant mamas, maybe even moreso those of us with closely spaced pregnancies. The transition from focusing on our will, weaknesses, anxieties to His design for us truly does bring about peace, but sister, it certainly ain’t always easy! Thank God for His grace! 🙂 Congratulations, Anna, Gabe, and family!

  • This post really spoke to me. We had a planned, agonized over third that we knew we could physically, emotionally and financially provide for – only to find out it was twins and we were having a third and fourth in one go! While we are now thrilled about it and know it’s part of a greater plan, I can really relate to that initial feeling of overwhelm! Wishing you all the best in your pregnancy x

  • Rachel Magree

    So awesome, Anna! Beautiful!!

  • I love following your story. I was caught off guard with our little one too. I truly appreciate your honesty, faith and transparency. My husband and I hope to be as graceful when we learn about our next one. We practice NFP so although we are trying to space our babies, it’s still not entirely in our control. While it seems scary, it’s freeing to know that it’s in someone else’s hands. You’ve got support over in San Diego!

  • Michelle H

    Congratulations!

  • Even though my pregnancy was planned (23 weeks along!), when I saw the positive pregnancy test I too had those emotions because we had tried for about 6 months and nothing. I had just accepted the timing wasn’t right and was ready to move on and take time to start working on me and being a better Mom to my 3 year old. Thank you for this post because so often we are told we need to have the warm and fuzzies about being a Mom, even before they’re born. I think its okay to accept your emotions of “what if this isn’t what I want right now?” Because then you can fill your emotion meter with joy and happiness as you meet them or even allowing God to help you through your difficult emotions. Thank you for this post! I appreciated it and it was exactly what I needed to hear because this pregnancy has been a rough one and I’m wondering what in the world was I thinking wanting to go through this process again? Haha!

    • Sharon, that is so very true. I think that is why we have a tough time dealing with the hard emotions because we believe they shouldn’t exist. Thanks for writing and hope the pregnancy flies by for you;) (I personally would love to just skip to the baby part!) x

  • Jenny Snarski

    Congratulations and I can totally relate! As a single mom of a 6 year old, I finally married the man “of my dreams” at 34 y/o. We knew we wanted more kids but it took a couple years of trying – then, without trying, we had two within 15 months… I brushed up my NFP and- like Anna, had gone thru tests and a couple of appointments for low thyroid only to find out I was actually 13 weeks! Honestly, spent more of that pregnancy terrified bc two babies was already overwhelming. We had let the two previous babies’ gender be a surprise but I found out with this #4 and it was very helpful to start to feel an emotional connection with our second daughter. We had her name picked out within a month or so of her birth. I was still panicking bc by nature the chaos and neediness in a home with littles stresses my husband and I both out… But I got to a point where I submitted to God’s mysterious love affair with this baby girl that he had times perfectly (mother-in-law we named her after was dealing with cancer and the would-be godmother going thru an unwanted divorce) made me realize that she deserved my respect as an individual… We welcomed her as the 3rd child in less than 2 1/2 years – she has the most infectious smile and has brought much joy. I do feel guilty still for how “afraid” I was. It’s been no picnic! Three littles and a 12 y/o big brother has been very challenging; there are lots of days, especially evening dinners and bedtimes we feel like we live in an insane asylum…but with #4 now 15 months (the distance between both #2 and #3 and #3 and #4, it finally feels like some of the fog is clearing… I hang on to the 2-3 moments of motherhood bliss and tenderness and just try to let a hug every so often absorb the meltdowns (both mine and the kids…and my husband’s, too). But at the end of the day, we find peace seeing God’s plan…and our renewed and refined fertility awareness and find our love has grown in so many ways, and so have we… God bless- those of us who have lived through similar experience have a witness that is truly needed by our surrounding pragmatic culture of family planning. I can say as well, hoping this is all helpful for anyone else out there, that we have the strong conviction that our openness to life, for now, is to the children we do have. I know siblings are a wonderful gift for our children, but we also need to be humble enough to admit our limits and accept that God isn’t assessing our holiness on how sacrificial we can make our lives… He will send the sacrifices how and when he wants, but he does want us to cooperate with seeking balance. Give these moms the space to be real- real about the simulate sous panic and utter joy a new life brings! Sorry for the book but through our experience I have a newfound appreciation for the need to be inspired by other moms who can be real about both sides of this coin that openness to life in our faith is! Count on lots of prayers…and the promise of unexpected joys this “unexpected” baby will gift your family with!!

  • Congrats! So excited for you and blessings on your new journey <3

  • […] experienced, but as you know, that might have something to do with not knowing I was pregnant for the first two months. Suddenly I am in the third trimester a little bewildered and a little in disbelief at how I am […]

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