Back in January I suddenly got smacked with light headedness, nausea, and fatigue. You think this would give me some insight into the familiar territory of pregnancy. Nope. Instead I assumed something was wrong, made a doctor appointment, canceled it, and self-diagnosed myself with anemia….which was in fact true. It was also true that I was pregnant, and hadn’t the slightest idea. Maybe it didn’t cross my mind because I was in denial or maybe because I just blamed it on the lack of sleep and demanding breastfeeding schedule. I am usually very on top of what is going on in my fertility and cycle, so it honestly never crossed my mind until….
About four weeks later I notice my stomach looked super bloated. The anemia was gone after I took some liquid iron, so the fatigue and nausea were no longer visiting, and my energy was normal. However, my stomach was growing. I hadn’t an explanation except maybe one too many Christmas cookies. Besides, I did have what I thought was a cycle that month. (Sorry for the tmi, but these things are important supportive details to the story mind you!;)) That is when the question first made an appearance. Could it be? Highly unlikely. But maybe? I just need to stop emotional binging on sweets I decided.
It was time to confront the question that had been lingering in my mind. Of course I was terrified. I had a 6 month old baby. I felt like I just went through pregnancy, birth, and post-partum months and was finally getting into the groove with four little ones. This couldn’t be happening. I bought a pregnancy test, but didn’t take it. I wasn’t ready to accept the outcome. I spent a few days letting myself process the what if’s, followed by many prayers for the strength to accept and the courage to trust. It seems God’s continual pattern with me as to ask me to allow trust and let go of the wheel. At this point I still hadn’t said a word about it to Gabe. Probably because I was concerned it would be tough for him too. A few days later, he made a joke about not being too shocked anymore if we ended up being pregnant soon. Little did he know there was a pregnancy test in the drawer of the other room waiting to determine womb status. I got to the point where I needed him though. He is always the steady support no matter what we have gone through in life. Being the strong heart that he is, he encouraged me to take the test and reassured me that if it was positive, it was positive because there was a little life that God had created for a reason. I knew this deep inside, but his reassurance lifted me up like only your spouse can.
Positive pregnancy test.
More tears. These tears were actually not just overwhelmed tears, they were because I knew there was something beyond my control entering our life that was probably much greater than I could fathom at the moment, and it was probably that baby sister Veronica has been pleading and praying for. It was overwhelming, and took many weeks for me to process in my very secondary nature.
A month later, when I went to the doctor for the second time for an ultrasound., they revealed that I was actually three weeks further along than I had personally calculated. And just like that I was already into my second trimester. I hadn’t known I was pregnant for two out of those three months.
I am sharing this part of the story for anyone experiencing something similar. Not every pregnancy test has to begin with the warm fuzzy feels. It’s quite alright to feel overwhelmed, scared, terrified, and even doubtful. Guilt may even come as a result of those feelings, but the good news is, it’s almost impossible not to fall in love with a beating heart relying on you for life. And once you lay eyes on that face for the first time, the floodgates of love pour forth beyond what you knew you were capable of.
Yesterday, I got to see the four heart chambers of my little one on an ultra sound. This time, there were tears of complete happiness. I still feel overwhelmed, but I also feel so grateful and undeserving that I get to be the one to carry this little one for 9 months.
Half way to meeting you little one!